A Dad's Journey pt 3

Going through the night I was in and out of sleep. Hearing moans, tears, and agony from my wife. Sometimes a nurse to poke her head in and check on her. Also though just because I was awake, seeking refuge in my God. Praying for a miracle of life, but not understanding what the miracle would end up being. As morning approached I got the nerve to go get some food and coffee. When I'm going through something I cope with food. Sometimes awesome, sometimes dangerous! Coming back and going to the same motions as the day before. We sat there and stood there in tears and hoping that all of a sudden her heart would start again. I think in the truth of everything we knew though that she wouldn't be coming back. If I've ever been in a situation that uncontrollable and emotionally unbearable this would be it. As a man we are wired to be able to fix things. Well this was one moment when no matter what I did there was another plan to all of this. As time passed the labor intensified and the birthing became closer. With just us in the room at a little after 10am Maxine had gagged and let out a cough. Out came Lenora, I opened the door and looked at everyone saying, "umm, she's here" rushing over came a herd of what felt like a small army. Doing there thing all I could do was look at her. Maxine not ready to hold her yet (I couldn't even imagine the pain) I held her first. I can still close my eyes and feel her warmth, not her warmth because she was alive, but her warmth because she just came out of my wife. I stood there with my back to all of the staff holding our baby just wanting to shout "GET THE FUCK OUT!!!". I knew though I couldn't. I knew they had a job to do. I knew that this was my time to cry and hold our baby who wouldn't be warm much longer. Between holding her and resting her in the hospital room crib I wallowed. I let out as much as I could. One because once they did leave I felt alone. Maxine was sleeping and it was just silence and myself. I've lost my dad, my mom was battling cancer and none of that compared to seeing my baby bruised and beaten, because she couldn't fight anymore. Life starts with a heart beat and ends with a heart beat. Life is a struggle. You have hard times and easy times. You have times of joy and times of grief. I'm glad that I had these moments in the hospital so that I could gain strength for the road to come. When Maxine awoke she was ready to hold her. I don't know what hurt worse seeing her agony or seeing our baby. We sat there the rest of the day taking turns holding, crying and hugging. I've never felt more close to my wife. The doctor asked if we wanted further testing as nothing had come back on the tests they already ran. We said no, we didn't want our little girl to be a science project. She was perfect and we wanted to leave her that way. There was nothing anyways that could change her from death to living on this planet. For she was already living in Heaven with our Savior. From that moment I made it my determination to do everything I could the rest of my life to make sure that when it's my time I end up on the right side so that I can see her again. I imagine her with brown wavy curled hair running in fields of wildflowers. That's my Heaven for her and I can't wait to see her there.

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