Tears of Fears

It's been a long and busy month so far thus not having the time to write. How I long for time to stand still so that I could have more of it, but until I stand on golden streets this won't happen. For Father's Day weekend the last two years we have taken a camping trip to the Merced River to a place outside Yosemite by about thirty minutes. We have so much fun and there are always other families so the kids make friends quickly. This year was really fun as we made it into the park two different days which for me in itself was a grief journey. You see not only did my mother want to make it there one more time, but I was also on a mission to get soil from a certain place in the park for a friend of mine. He recently has lost his father and I want to plant a milkweed plant in the soil for him. So I was there for my own grief, but for his as well.

The tears of fears come from a place though that has nothing to do with either one of the previous. As we were sitting there one evening the kids playing by the river, the fire crackling and the sun going down behind the hills our daughter Vivien comes up screaming bloody murder. Samuel had thrown a rock trying to get it over her but it smacked her right in the head instead. A goose egg the size of a golf ball had swelled underneath her skin. Anger, panic, fear, sadness, and love had all started to flow through my heart like the rushing river we were camping next two. Looking back now Samuel didn't realize the degree of seriousness that had just come over out family and I had finally realized the degree of fear that had come over me. Vivien had gone from energy and playing to crying and falling asleep. It worried me and all I could do was listen to the small voice in my head telling me to pray. So I prayed and as I prayed this raw, uninvoked river of emotion started coming out through my prayer. I had finally realized and admitted in full surrender to God in that moment that I was fearful of losing another child and that I couldn't lose another child. That I need Him to bring back my little girl and fill her with energy. That he would take the swelling away from her head and heal her. As I prayed the wave of grief was tremendous and it took everything for me to finish as tears sobbed down my face. I said Amen and sat down in my chair. Overwhelmed I sat in tears looking over the river letting my emotions take their place in that moment. Letting the recognition of my fear be let out and acknowledged. Fully surrendered and admitted to God. I rode that wave like a seasoned surfer and as I pulled out of it I would check on Vivien a few more times over the next thirty minutes. Then out of no where after checking on her the last time her swelling had almost disappeared and she had awoke back to the energized little girl like nothing had happened. I was astonished! I have prayed before for many things, but in this moment when I had to submit one of my greatest fears. A fear that I didn't even know was inside of me. This moment of no control God had met me. Right in the middle of it all God had met me. He said son I hear you and your little girl will be ok. A couple hours later as we were all going to bed Vivien told me she had a dream. I asked her, "when after you got hit with the rock?" she said yes. I asked her what the dream was about. She went on to tell me that there were two figures all in black that made her scared. Saying that they were trying to take her away and kill her. I looked down and all that I could think of was how God came in such spiritual strength and took over the whole situation. I told her it's ok. That we prayed and God had made things better. That she didn't have to be scared anymore, because He had healed her. He had also brought healing and strength within myself as well. I told her that He had scared those figures away in her dream and won.

Reflecting back now and thinking about this situation I've realized that this needed to happen. That God was opening up a part in me to recognize and to learn about. That here is another stage of your grief, but if you lean on me I'll be there. God is relentless for us all and in this moment He proved it even know He doesn't have too. No matter if its hard and fearful, or easy and joyful I love everyday that I'm given because I'm given it.

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